The RAT Exercise Plan
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The RAT amount of weight loss
Congratulations. Now that you’ve decided to tackle this rodent infestation on your own you can prepare for an exercise experience that few people will ever get to enjoy.
Aerobic: You will get an aerobic workout in a low oxygen environment because everything you do in that attic and/or crawl space will be done while wearing a “surgical N95 respirator” or an equivalently rated industrial respirator to protect yourself against microscopic fecal matter floating in the dust. The reduced airflow may induce or intensify claustrophobia, but “that’s all in your head”.
Dehydration: You will soon be sweating out all that excess water in no time during the RAT Exercise Plan. But to make sure you don’t lose too much water drink more (just make sure you disinfect your lips first so you don’t accidentally drink anything nasty). Of course crawl spaces are cooler than attics, especially in the summer, but those halogen work lights will push the temperature up to a point where you’ll feel like you’re in one of those expensive Swedish saunas, but this time you shouldn’t be naked. And as long as you have to “pee” regularly you’ll know your kidneys are still functioning.
Flexibility: This job of cleaning out the rat nests will require you to contort into positions you never thought you could. Your chiropractor will be amazed at how far you can stretch and bend after you have been crawling under heat ducts, over electrical wires, and around water pipes for hours and hours. Since rats like corners and cubbies there will most likely be a nest just out of reach, so find a friend with long arms and invite him to join you. Attics present an even better opportunity, as you remain ever vigilant about where to step while you climb along like Tarzan through the trusses.
Strength: Jack Lalanne will be proud of you for building up muscles you never knew you had without using any exercise equipment and an Army Drill Sergeant will be impressed with how far you can “low crawl”. Of course the attic trusses could be argued to be a jungle gym as you pull yourself up but I don’t think they really count as “equipment”. The weight you will work with will be your own so some will get a heavier workout than others. But, rest assured that you can plan on hours of abdominal and upper body resistance training that you will really feel in your back the next day.
Endurance: It’s important to get as much as possible of this rat infestation corrected in one day so that you can find and seal off all of the entry points before more rats move in. This provides the wonderful motivation to just keep going even though you may be near exhaustion. Like the runner’s high, you can experience a euphoric sense of focus and dedication even though others may misinterpret your behavior as obsessive or even deranged. I would suggest playing motivational music like Flash Dance or the Rocky theme and keep in mind that singing or humming may enhance your respiratory workout.
Self Esteem: This is an often-overlooked benefit associated with the RAT Exercise Plan. The feeling of accomplishment at taking back possession and control of your house from those disease-ridden vermin will put a big smile on your face. But, this same boost to your self-esteem is available by hiring me to do all of this nasty work for you. I’ll rid your home of these disgusting rodents and you can brag to all of your friends about how you got rid of the rats that you have been plagued by.
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